Nickname: The Doctor
Birthplace:
Place of residence:
Preferred candidate in primaries: the fat kid from Hey Dad
Hobbies: bathing in
A communications professional, Matt has been known to articulate complex government policy with a particularly effective and succinct style including such strategic phrases as "because I said so", "I know you are but what am I?" and "that's it - I'm dobbing".
A pillar of the Melbourne establishment with his MCC membership and a sado-masochistic obsession with Melbourne Football Club, Matt enjoys pretending to have a social conscience and fooling progressive thinkers with constant references to 'community', 'inclusiveness' and 'I really want to go to that four hour poetry reading and interpretive dance recital on The New Social Paradigm - Exploring Contemporary Juxtapositions of the Tasmanian Asparagus Growers Collective in the 21st Century.'
Matt is looking forward to seeing how conservatives in the United States deal with their underclass, particularly left handers and people who chew with their mouths open.
Name: Steve
Nickname: Skuzzlefark
Birthplace:
Place of residence:
Preferred candidate in primaries: Jeb Bush
Hobbies: Quokka Soccer
What can you say about Steve?
You could say that as a child he was rescued from a refugee camp on the outskirts of the town of Owerri in the aftermath of the Biafran War (his father had been aide-de-camp to the leader of the Biafran forces, the inspiration for the Frederick Fortsyth novel The Dogs of War, General Chukwuemeka Odumegwu Ojukwu) by the maid to a reasonably unintelligent KGB sponsored Belarusian investment banker looking to start, ultimately unsuccessfully, a high tech synthetic industry in Nigeria?
Perhaps. But more accurately he is originally from
Name: Stephen
Nickname: The Don
Birthplace: Warragul
Place of residence:
Preferred candidate in primaries: Rowdy Roddy Piper or Wesley Snipes
Hobbies: Flying
A full-blooded ranga who hates the rangers, The Don is a feisty competitor who is no fan of weak beer.
He has tried hard to improve his image in recent times but while you can take the boy out of Warragul you can’t take the bogan out of The Don.
He is a man of many contradictions. He loves trade unions but hates gay unions. He loves soccer hooligans but hates hockey mums. He loves Irish republicans but hates the American version.
But don’t worry, everyone thinks he’s mad – even the taxi driver.
Name: Tom
Nickname: John Thomas
Birthplace:
Place of residence:
Preferred candidate in primaries: Jake the peg
Hobbies: taking it waaaaay too seriously
Raised and educated in
In 2008 he invited Malcolm Turnbull to join him in a bipartisan Twin Republics Campaign. Tom's reputation for taking often unorthodox views was evidenced by his highly publicised expectation that Suharto's leadership of
In his spare time, Tom is a little-known author of political thrillers with his most recent work 'Notebook' sparking front page reviews. His next work is reportedly an analysis of the voting trends of soccer moms and NASCAR dads in the
Name: Brer
Nickname: The Rabbit
Birthplace:
Place of residence:
Preferred candidate in primaries: Jed Clampett
Hobbies: Driving with the handbrake on, eating lignite, global warming.
Brer was raised by Johnny Young and the Young Talent Time team.
After he was excommunicated for impersonating Bevan on a Christmas Eve special he became totally committed to carbon offsetting.
In 1999 he changed his name by deed poll to Loy Yang. In the winter months when he’s not starting bushfires in the Daintree (the leaves are too wet), he spends his free time burning petrol in his backyard.
It was his idea that morning FM radio presenters should laugh at their own jokes to help ratings.
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